Saturday, August 22, 2015

Evening Wind

The world spins and we try and find ourselves. Or should I say I try and find myself... It is presumptuous to assume that all other people consciously desire discovering themselves. There is something very isolating in living in a world filled with similar shaped beings. Humanity is intriguing because we each perceive the entire universe differently from one another. It is hard to imagine our neighbor having lofty dreams, despair, and forlorn memories of days long passed. It is hard to imagine what different feelings/emotions mean to different people. Who am I to define feelings of love or frustration for the rest of the world?

I believe the most important thing to learn, in life, is how to share our experiences with others. Perhaps not to teach but to inform. To teach sort of implies a particular connotation that might suggest the pragmatic conveyance of information between individuals. But I do not see the point in being pragmatic. We can inform people of our experiences but that doesn't really mean much when interpreted by the listener. Well... Whatever. I'm not really sure what I'm talking about here...

The truth is... I wish so much to understand Purpose. There are a myriad of perspectives one might take in developing a strong sense of meaning, to life. For years I have chased Love. But now I'm beginning to think that Love is a distraction from life. I see it more as a mode of acceptance instead of a vehicle for enlightenment. It is like a drug. Your perception of the world is twisted when you're on the drug. Your problems are gone, you're easily satisfied, and you find more enjoyment in simple things. But when the drug is gone you crave more, constantly needing a fix.

Is it better to accept a life of Love, and settle for what life has given you? Or is it better to walk alone through blizzards and sandstorms seeking the unreachable brilliance of Understanding? Is it better to stare up at the stars from the firm ground or to scale the tallest mountain on the off chance you might pluck a star from the heavens?

Hell if I know.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A Long Walk in the Dark

Periodically I go through phases where I am totally bored with playing video games. I'm in one of those phases right now. It is funny how things like this work, phases. We are very interested in something for whatever length of time our interest holds out and eventually we get bored and move on to something else. That is, at the very least, how I look at things. I am fixated on the temporal nature of all things. The constant fading away of ideas, people, interests, and lives to make room for whatever comes next.

I remember when I would sit and write poetry. Dark poetry that has seen me criticized for being very inwardly emotional or filled with angst. The truth is I've always been really emotional and angsty. It is just much more difficult to see because I don't have an outlet for it anymore. For quite a long time I was really interested in writing poetry. Then one day I just stopped writing. I've dipped my feet into the waters of many things. I was an artist, growing up, and rarely even doodle now. I suppose the worst thing about growing up is how we move further and further away from who we used to be, in favor of who we need to be. And often who we need to be doesn't hold much concern for elements from our past (such as friends, hobbies, taste in entertainment etc.).

I often wonder if it is in our nature as aging beings to experience things, and be satisfied in the completed experiences, so we might eventually idle in thoughtful reflection. Understanding the nature of life is much more complicated than you imagine, as a child. Terms like bittersweet and love carry mixed meanings depending on who you're talking to. To an aged person both bittersweet and love are likely completely related with one another. Because it is the bittersweet aspect of love that truly makes you appreciate and understand what love really is.

Life truly is a long walk in the dark. Some people pretend to see the way forward but they too walk into the unknown. The only light is that which is softly present in the direction we cannot go. Behind us.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Dream Journal

Last night I had a dream that left me feeling really strange. In the dream I was hanging out with someone I used to go out with. Someone I still care dearly for. She was with her new boyfriend and I was tagging while they went on a date or something. I confronted the girl and told her I was sorry for the way things ended up and she scolded me for talking about things like that in front of her boyfriend. Eventually the boyfriend left and I was left alone with the girl. She said that the opportunity for us to get back together had passed long ago and that I needed to move on, as she had. I asked her why, if she had moved on, she wanted me to tag along with her while she was on her date. I mean, it was odd for me to be there with them. She cried and asked me why I never came back for her, and she rode away on a bike. I tried to chase after her in a bus (in this dream I owned a bus, for some reason) but she eluded me. Then I woke up. I woke feeling really weird. Totally affected by this odd dream.

Also this Kishi Bashi song was playing throughout the dream. I like Kishi Bashi. I like him a lot.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The (w)hole in my heart

Wow it has been an extraordinary amount of time since I last wrote anything on here. Funny thing is this is the only place I feel I can properly express myself. Who knows why I haven't written more in the last year or so. Anyway...

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about Love. Surprising, I'm sure, since I've written about it a bunch of times... The complexities of Love are truly consuming, though. It is astonishing that you can be in Love with someone, totally and absolutely, despite recognizing the completely improbable possibility of actually ending up with that person. The person you end up marrying and having kids with is definitely someone you love but I'm beginning to think that simply being with someone doesn't mean they're the one you love most totally. I suppose, by this, I mean that you might be in love with someone who is really incompatible with you. For whatever reason it is possible that a person occupy the most intimate part of your heart even though you might argue, have little to talk about, be separated by insurmountable barriers etc.

It is in dreams where we connect with these individuals. Because whatever surface variables exist to keep you separated are removed and there is only the purity of two like-souls dancing in imagination. I dream often of a select few people. People who I Love so much that I hear their name with every beat of my heart. People who I believe I might never see again. It is funny to feel this way knowing that you have to step back from emotional urges to proclaim your feelings and recognize that just because you Love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be with them.

Furthermore Love is not something that you can feel for just one person. Growing up you're told "he(she) is the one! I'm going to marry this person!" but why are we limited to Loving only one person? I believe it is possible to fall in Love with many different people and retain that Love for your whole life (or until you're unable to hold onto the memories of the person) even though you might find yourself in Love with other people as well.

Hell... I don't know if what I'm saying holds much merit... I might be trying to convince myself of things. I might be trying to tell myself it is okay to think/feel certain things despite knowing deep down I shouldn't.

Anyway is is good to write again.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Flipping a Coin

I went to the engagement party of my boss, tonight. Now I find myself back home sitting in the dark thinking about the universe. It occurs to me that every day is a lot like the flip of a coin. Not because days play out in either one way or another but because we quickly spin in and out of ideas, places, dreams, and desires. We imagine things being simply one way or another but in reality they're very complicated. I mean everything. Everything is complicated. To live life thinking things are not complicated is refusing the beautiful complexities found in seemingly simple things. Every single thing we do, or don't do, has an affect on everything around us. And if you look hard enough you can find the connections between all things. But it is very rare for people to want to look hard at anything. It is so much more simple to go through life dwelling on shallow reflections of the universe. It is no wonder why people are so quick to fear and so slow to admit change. This behavior has put us in a position where our educators are no longer capable of connecting with their students in a worthwhile way. Students are left to learn about the world on their own; forced to experience the harsh realities of life without guidance and compassion from those they spend most of their time with. Because, lets be honest, kids nowadays spend more time in school and outside the home than they ever have before. Parents are becoming less and less involved in the development of their children and more concerned with how someone else is going to solve their problems for them.

It is my dream that we move forward, as a society. That we move away from this place we've found ourselves that has turned education into a bureaucratic display of percentages and statistics towards a place where education is not disconnected from compassionate youth development. In my job we have the opportunity to make a difference in the life of kids because we're not regulated by the oppressive school systems. But we're still restricted by society's ignorant belief that their child will be molested or led astray by the adults working with their kid. We find ourselves in this place of blind ignorance and fear and do nothing to change the way people look at the world.

One does not change things by admitting ignorance and fear but by rejecting them and doing what you know is best/right despite the objections held by those judging your actions. I remember being told, a long time ago, that doing what is best for someone is more often difficult than easy. If people genuinely care about the development of this next generation of kids then someone needs to act first and refuse to abide by the ignorant, fearful society that sees unattainable perfection in the actions of Man. People will always do horrible things. We are humans. It is our nature to kill one another. To rape and to molest and to destroy what fragile lives we build for ourselves. To expect otherwise of humanity is ignorance and a refusal of our history on this planet. But we do not hide from the atrocities of mankind. We move forward despite them and persevere. We must hold on to what we believe in and do what must be done despite the clouded morality evolving out of ignorance and fear. We must see that the will of those who work with kids actually do some good.

So I sit here thinking about the universe. About how our existence is a lot like a coin flipping through the air. How we're constantly changing from one perspective to another. I sit here thinking about the universe and see our place in time, this moment in which the coin shows one face, and I see myself waiting for the inevitable shift from ignorance to compassion.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Story

One year, four months, and two days since my last post on here. I expect there wasn't much need to write angsty, troubled journal entries when everything made sense. But I find myself here again writing words into an empty void. Hoping to capture some semblance of myself through the random bits of "Dan" that bleed onto this digital frontier.

I've lived most of the past five years slowly constructing a metaphysical fortress for myself. Building up walls in which I am safe and secure from any sort of emotional hurt I might find myself forced to deal with. Truth be told, I built those walls because I am afraid of being hurt. Afraid of having to deal with aspects of both the world, and another individual, that make me aware of my imperfections. I shut out so much of the world because I tire of being "that guy". That guy who, despite being: a decent human being, nice, and otherwise worthwhile to be around, seems to come up just a few cents short.

The face staring back at me from the other side of the mirror is unfamiliar and disappointing. Disappointing because for a moment he destroyed all of the walls he'd spent so long building and now feels completely vulnerable in the face of possibility. Usually when I write journal entries they are very vague with regard to specifics (people, events etc.) but tonight, as the black summer sky blows the air of dreamers into my nostrils I feel driven to talk about what is really going on. If for no other reason that my future self might look back on this journal entry and find something to think about.

Here's the story:

About three years ago I met a woman, by chance, over the internet. I had become interested in online chat services and, in trying to understand why they are so popular, I picked a person at random to talk to. I say "at random" but really I chose her because she was the only person within 150 miles that had a photo on their profile. I figured, "Hell, she is different from the rest, I might as well talk to her." We chatted for a while and I quickly grew intrigued by her. Her intelligence was utterly fascinating and so was her passion for art and nutrition. I felt that the more I talked with her the more I wanted to keep talking with her (an abnormality, for me, because I typically get bored of people pretty fast). So the two of us arranged a meeting. I ended up driving pretty close to 150 miles to see her. We had arranged a meeting at a sushi restaurant and I arrived about 45 minutes early. I remember sitting in my car anxiously waiting for her to show up and feeling totally exhausted from the three hour drive. But it was worth it. I saw her in the rear view mirror of my car and smiled. Partially because I was happy I didn't get stood up by some woman from the internet and be forced to drive another three hours humiliated. But also because in that glance through the rear view I felt my heart jump into my throat. I knew from the very first moment that I loved this woman.

We dated for a few months and tried to maintain a relationship despite the harsh distance separating us. Having serious back problems it wasn't really fair of me to ask her to drive down to see me, but she did once or twice. I tried to see her as much as possible, going up every weekend I could. Even now I'm not sure if she ever really understood how hard it was for me to be far away from her. Things went pretty well for the few months we were together. We did the usual stuff couples do and I couldn't help falling for her all over again each time I'd go up and visit her.

It was a total shock when she broke up with me. I'll never forget it. She was living at her mom's house at the time and didn't get mobile phone service while at home, so we did most of our talking online. The last night we were "a couple" we had been chatting leisurely for a while when out of the blue she said, "Dan, I don't have the same feelings for you anymore." It was devastating and upon reading those words I completely shut down. I didn't fight for her. Hell, I didn't think I should have to fight to prove myself to her. I stupidly thought that my love would be enough. So things dissipated. I withdrew from her as much as I could because I was ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't anticipate any problems between us.

For years I didn't talk to her save the random comment here or there on photos and videos she'd post on Facebook. I never wanted her to know that even though she didn't feel anything for me the feelings I had for her would never change. When I said I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her outside that sushi restaurant I meant it. In retrospect I had no idea just how serious those feelings were. How much I loved her.

During our time apart I went to school and studied philosophy and Chinese. Around the time of my last journal entry (early 2011) I began dating one of the graduate students in the Chinese department and slowly grew to love her despite constantly arguing and struggling through our relationship. After a year together we were forced apart when she went back to Taiwan. I tried dating again after a while, not satisfied with constantly being alone, and eventually met a local woman who was (and still is) a near perfect match for me. If it wasn't for her fear of children and a few superficial quarks I'm sure I would have tried harder at being a better boyfriend to her, but we ended up parting ways. It was shortly after the two of us split up that I decided, on a whim, to message the woman I had been seeing years before.

Half searching for resolution and half curious about how she'd been for the past three years I sent the message. We chatted back and forth and eventually she suggested I come visit her in Seattle. I figured she was trying to be polite but I felt compelled to take her up on her offer. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find in going to visit her, but I packed my bags and hit the road for her place. Instantly I was reminded of the first time I drove to see her. The feelings of anxiety and nervousness came back and a few times I pulled over to simply assess whether or not it was really a good idea to see her again. I kept telling myself to limit my affection and be nothing more than a friend to her. It took me eight hours to drive from Eugene to Seattle, and when I pulled up in front of her apartment it was well into the night. From my car I saw her come out to greet me, and I was lost again in the same feelings I had the first time I saw her. Right away I realized that I had never stopped loving this woman. That the feelings I had for her were unique among all of the other women I have gone out with. Seeing her smile through the darkness stirred something inside me that had been dormant for half a decade.

I went to see her over Mother's Day weekend and it didn't take long before I was fighting against myself whether or not to say something about how I felt. I was fighting a futile battle, because every moment with this woman makes everything in the world seem less and less important. Each moment with her is an eternity that is over in an instant. All of the walls and barriers I spent years building fell and I admitted to her my feelings. I told her I loved her. Actually I said, "I love you more than you'll ever know." We left that weekend after spending an entire day in each others' arms. Simply happy to be near one another after such a long time apart.

This was a month ago. Since our first weekend together I have struggled with ways to get up to see her, promising that at the end of summer I would do whatever it takes to move to Seattle so we can be together. A promise made not in the chaos of a moment, but in earnest because there is nothing in the world I'd rather do than be with her. In an effort to save money I even tried taking the train to see her. Taking the Amtrak equates to seven hours physically on the train, walking through Seattle carrying 50lbs of crap, riding the ferry for 45 minutes, and walking lost for an hour in the blazing heat. Something I did happily and would do a thousand times over if it meant seeing her just once. 

In complete honesty I felt things were going pretty well. It is really tough to gauge just how well anything is going after a month, but I felt things were going well. This woman is extraordinarily busy. It takes her quite a long time to get ready for the day because she has a very intense routine that she tries very hard to maintain because it is necessary for her mental, emotional and physical health. Her back problems have slowly healed because of intense physical therapy that she's practiced on her own every day for years. She goes to a very stressful school and is expected to perform at the very top of her class. As much as I hated to see her unhappy I was very afraid that my making her happy might distract her and ruin either her routines or her school work. So I did my best to stay positive and make her smile from time to time instead of digging in deep trying to help her work on being less stressed out. You see, she is, like me, the type of person that thrives on stress even though it makes us go crazy. Having one year left I figured I would do my best to make her feel better while not trying to 'fix' anything. And things seemed to be going pretty well. I missed her a lot. Boy did I miss her. But I kept telling myself that waiting a few months is nothing compared to the three years we had lost.

It was surprising to hear from her earlier this week that she was rethinking our relationship. She and I were talking through text messages on our phones and she told me that she'd begun talking with her ex boyfriend again. He had been pestering her for a while and it seems as though she'd given in and let him say his peace, which may have led to some dormant feelings be re-kindled. I don't know exactly what happened with that, but I do know I was surprised to hear that she and he were talking again. From everything she told me about him their relationship was very unhealthy. He cheated on her because he 'thought' she was cheating on him, just to get her back. I was told that their being together was a product of a death they were mutually bonded with and as such caused feelings to spark even though there wasn't really anything there. Kind of a way of remembering their lost friend... She also told me about how he had said horribly mean things to her and caused her to get so frustrated that she threw one of her prized mugs at him, shattering it to pieces. Her mugs are very important to her... For her to break one is astonishing and gave me the impression that she was REALLY upset with this guy. But here we are a month into our relationship and she tells me that she and he are talking again... that she's not sure about us and needs time to think it over.

That's where I'm at right now. I'm writing this while she's thinking it over. When she told me about her and this ex boyfriend I was stunned. Stabbed in the heart. Thrown from a cliff into the inferno. The pain from her words is almost indescribable. Not because I blame her or love her any less, but because I feel stupid for letting my barriers down. I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the better of me. I honestly believe now that maybe it would have been better if I had never told her I loved her again... Perhaps it would be better to live without her knowing how I feel than to have her know and discard me for another person. She says she is thinking but I have a strong feeling that she has already made up her mind... She said she didn't feel a connection between us. That we were disconnected somehow. But I feel something in my gut whenever I think of her. Something that tells me I've lost the most important person in my life. 

Heh... "The most important person in my life."
Writing that I almost feel ridiculous. I mean, she broke up with me once before. You'd think I'd be really skeptical of the entire thing, from the get go... But I wasn't. Even now I'll admit that my love for her is unlike anything I have felt for anyone else in my life. It is something that no matter of time could ever change. It won't change if she leaves me for this other guy and it won't change if I never speak to her again. But love is a two way street... simply loving another person isn't enough. The love must be mutual. She says she loves me but I just don't know... I'd never consider leaving someone for someone else. And this includes if that "someone else" was Gracie...

At the end of our conversation she asked for a few days to think about everything. I told her I'd give her a week. This is day three...

And I feel as though my heart has been stripped from me and I am standing naked among the thralls of yesterday. The sounds of their voices piercing my skin as I am forced into shame and embarrassment for simply trying to love another human being.

I don't know how things will turn out between us, but I have my doubts. There is not a cell in my body that does not hope, more than anything else, that she chooses me over this other guy... but at the same time I feel incredibly hurt that such a choice is even being made..

I was very upset with her through text messaging. Not angry, not spiteful, but upset. I do not typically cry... but I was so upset that I had to really fight to hold back the tears. The pain was so intense, the night we talked, that I deleted my Facebook and threw out everything that connected me with my school. When I am hurting I have this desire or need to retreat from everything. The more I am hurt, the stronger my desire to run. In fact, my moving to Eugene was an attempt to run from some stuff that happened 6 years ago. I deleted my Facebook because I was upset and wanted to hide from everyone. I see not being in control of one's emotions as a weakness, so when I am upset I feel powerless and ashamed. Later that night I brought my Facebook back online because I realized I was acting like a jerk and had given her the wrong impression. She believed I had blocked her so I could say nasty things behind her back. But the truth is I would never do that. You don't say nasty things about the person you love. Even if they don't love you back...

So here I am, writing in this journal again after a year and a half away. Half because I want to remember everything that has happened and half because I hope she reads this and understands how I feel a little better, without thinking I am angry with her or hate her.



Friday, February 11, 2011

On Learning how to Walk

Lately I've been feeling caught in amidst thralls of ideas beckoning me away from where I've recently been hiding.Throughout my blog I've often regarded my desire for self-improvement, and in my pursuits I've frequently held tight to the introspective mentality of a man clinging to a piece of the world unseen. But there is a strange desire calling from somewhere near to my heart. A desire to be less sarcastic and more compassionate. Less obtuse and more "grown up". Images of refined older men frequent my late-night contemplation with tantalizing promises of wisdom and sincerity. I do long to be viewed as a wise, sincere sort of person. And I realize that if I am ever to be seen in this way, I am required to step forward in the direction of wisdom and sincerity. How easy the tongue can wrap itself into these words, yet how difficult it is to make the feet follow...

Breaking years and years of bad habits is one of the most depressingly challenging tasks I've ever set upon myself. First we have eating habits, which I've already begun to change. I have, for the past few years, slowly watched my shell shape itself out of proportion. Though never equipped with a perfectly fit shape, I do long to be thinner and with a little more muscle tone (the "me" that I'd developed years ago). Slowly I've been removing things from my diet (soda, refined sugars, excessive meat/sauces etc.) in an effort to suggest to my body that I'm ready for serious change. Thankfully the body is now willing to listen to reason. If only I could convince it that exercise is fun, then we'd be on track to bigger and better things. But, when you first learn to walk you take small steps, fall, and try again. Until you get it right. And in my experience, I'm beginning to feel "right".

The most difficult thing that I'm trying to make adjustments to is embedded deep within the very core of my personality. Recently it has occurred to me that I'm viewed as extremely sarcastic, unfeeling, and defensive. This is pretty disappointing because the image I've always depicted, of myself, is one of a wise old man trapped in the body of a youngster... but I suppose there are strings of denial holding that view in front of my eyes. Strings that have grown weak with age, and have broken under the weight of untruth. The sarcasm and stoic behavior stems from my disdain for weakness. I really dislike being thought of as weak. Weak-minded, weak-willed, weak of spirit and any other kind of weakness there might be. Weakness has strong connections to failure, in my mind. And despite my currently lazy way of living, failure is totally unacceptable. I'm not exactly sure how to make monumental changes to my personality, but I'll be damned if I don't keep trying things until I figure it out. That being said, I have been making a conscious effort to be nicer to people around me. And I've discovered warmth, in a few people, that I'd never have expected before.There is hope for the future. Of course there is.


Monday, December 6, 2010

Still Alive

It has been an eternity since I've last felt driven to dig my claws into this plastic, digital world. I suppose it's safe to say this year has been extraordinarily complex. I have slowly watched myself changing shape, physically and mentally, and am beginning to come to terms with the Truth of being nothing more than what I am. Lately I've been criticized for being unfeeling and logical. I suppose I do not wear my masks well... Even through an exterior of ridiculous behavior, I believe my scars are ever-evident proof that I am constantly struggling against myself. I struggle to prove, to myself, that I am strong enough. Strong enough for what... I'm not even remotely certain.

Strong enough to Live, I suppose... Strong enough to Live knowing full well that my nature is to push the world away. Everyone who's burned their finger on something hot knows full well that it is easier to simply keep from touching, than it is to medicate the burn...

Though I am growing to accept what I am, and the things I can and cannot do, I am still often in pain of what I see myself doing to the people around me. It is truly frustrating when you reflect on each day and struggle to understand why you cannot be a better friend. A better lover. Heck, a better person.

It Drives me crazy knowing full well that I claim to be a Taoist, and claim to have all of this knowledge/wisdom of the world when I am not fully in control of my thoughts, emotions, and actions, in a way that the claims are justified. Even more frustrating when I am called out on my faults... as though I am somehow blind and unable to see what I am doing... There is a big difference between not seeing and not being able to control one's self properly...

There are days when I feel as though I am so lost that I would rather waste hours and hours alone stuck in front of a video game than I would to even look at another person. I used to think I was brilliant and under appreciated and misunderstood, so I would justify myself and all of my actions as the result of some kind of glimmering genius blinking quietly in the infinite blackness of normality. But I realize this is far from the truth, and whatever I have recognized as brilliance is simply a child-like need to give purpose to my existence.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Soul Binding

I write these words in a very peculiar state of mind. They say that shocking events leave one in a state of shock (!Shocking!) but I dunno... From one moment to the next I feel relatively similar. The Sunday passed was a mile-marker on the road of life. For no one's fault but my own I was in a fairly serious car accident, after which I felt worry for everyone and everything except myself. Perhaps this is normal, but I cannot be sure. Directly after the crash I raced across to the car I'd hit, to see if they were alright. My own health far from being a priority. Once realizing everyone was cognate and without wounds I directed my attention again away from myself toward the automotive damages. I suppose I am lucky that whatever pain I felt was only superficial and gone the next morning.

It's hard to describe my feelings of the incident. With the exception of exchanging information with the other driver (during which the adrenaline was still running strong) I was strangely monotone. I simply made the calls and did what needed to be done to resolve the situation. Part of me wishes I were more emotionally compacted with the whole ordeal... I'm still quite obsessed with thinking about the accident, but from a familiarly analytic perspective. Briefly I have thought irrelevancies such as the, "what if I'd done this instead." sort of thing, but those are fleeting and illogical. The actions happened in just the way they did and could not have happened in any other. I am not trying to convince myself that I was fated to crash, but rather trying to understand that it is a waste of energy to imagine any situation other than the one that transpired. In any case I have been analyzing the actions taken to avoid an even more serious accident. Such as over-turning one direction to avoid a head on collision, and intentionally aiming at a snowbank to get as much of my car off the road as possible. All in a matter of seconds... Adrenaline is a fascinating thing.

Adam seems to have taken the most physical damage. His bodily chassis is suffering potential damage to the wrist-quadrant. He's very lucky that he's not seriously hurt though. I dunno about Liz, but as far as I know she's fine. To this I'm glad, because I managed to take most of the damage on my side of the car. Hell, everyone is lucky to not be seriously hurt, or dead. I mean hell, we'd almost flown straight over that snow bank into the black abyss of oblivion. From which I don't think any of us would have survived. Funny how the first thing you think is, "Shit, now my friends are going to probably miss their party."

It's ironic that Adam and I had only just had a conversation about needing more trauma, only an hour before the accident. We'd been sitting in Shari's having some toast (though Adam refused to eat more than 1/2 a slice) when the topic came up about us both having trauma-induced gray hair growing in random places on our bodies. We came to agreement that we each needed more trauma to balance out the gray with all the rest of our hair (we ARE both Philosophic Taoists, after all). I must remember to choose my words carefully lest the fates be listening and decidedly grant wishes.

Often I joke about Death following shortly behind us all, but it's true. Though when he finally walks close enough by it is then that our character is truly defined. You can either let him catch you or push him away. Though it may be exceptionally egotistical to say such things, I like to think of myself as the kind of person to push him away and continue along my path. He is, after all, only Death. I'm beginning to ramble. The point is this: I do not fear Death, and situations like this prove to verify my claim. It should be noted that one does not have to possess a want for death, to accept it as inevitable. Likewise one does not have to simply succumb to dying when there are alternatives.

Out of all of this I am more in touch with my soul, I think. My desire to visit the ocean is immense. As though my soul is calling me from the waves. It is in these moments that I feel truly Human, and enjoy life. I mean, what kind of adventure would life be without extraordinary excursions into the wild and frantic realm of Doom? Perhaps I am secretly masochistic... I doubt it. Though I am sure I appear, to some, quite crazy. I am most certainly one who enjoys experiencing all that I can. I am sure I've said this before. The good and the bad make one more balanced.

I will leave you with this statement.

Life is a series of events encompassing the good, the bad, and everything in between. The trick, to living well, is to find a way to be happy/content no matter what happens. I'd rather be seen a fool smiling at my own funeral than one crying at the world.

(And yes, I do notice the irony of being towed by a company with my mother's maiden name)


Monday, December 28, 2009

Warm Tea in the Fog

There's something magical about foggy days. Perhaps it is in never knowing what lies just out of view, or maybe it's something else... regardless, the feeling is a pleasant relief to this month's musings and drifted emotions.

The horizon is tugging hard at my hand compelling me to discover new and exciting worlds. Studying abroad is an appealing thought and I very well might pursue a semester or more overseas. After this year I will be decided as this may be nothing more than wanderlust set deep within my lonely soul. Being reclusive will do that to a guy insomuch as to push one to try new things both good and bad. I've experienced a lot in the last few months and am pretty happy with my decisions, but always there is a desire for something else. Something new, something Fresh.

My heart has been vaguely dreaming of feeling warm and whole, once again, but I am doing my best to control those feelings and accept that being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. So frequently have I failed to acknowledge this in the past that I am afraid of conceding to my whims, but I press on. As I am growing older I am seeing now that there is a big difference between wanting a warm body and needing a companion. As such I realize that I am perfectly content being by myself. Since I am so quickly recognized as one who is rarely in the company of other like-minded individuals I should accept that quickly bonding with a companion may very well be disastrous (as it has been in the past) and realize that should I find other people like me they are probably filled with just as many quirks as I (which would be quite a tax upon my patience, as I am quite a handful of bizarre qualities).

Accepting what one is can be difficult. Especially when visions of better men/women are constantly pressed upon oneself. The world is filled with billions of people. Not everyone can be great, else they would be only average, and if one strives for greatness one must accept that most of those who's paths are crossed are destined to be not great. But then if one strives for greatness... does one refuse to surround one's self with those who are not as great as he/she? Or does a great person try to be great regardless of who they're with...

I expect a great person to take the path for which most suffering is laid. Whatever that may mean.